To escape from a moblin, Neil stumbles into the shop of an dubious merchant played by Chris Fairbanks. When Neil doesn’t have enough money for the blue candle (or the arrows that use rupees, so you just give all your rupees to the merchant and he’ll deduct them, based on what he knows), the merchant suggests Neil try his hand at Money Making Game in his illicit gambling den. After all, “this game is so easy, anyone can play it.” Unfortunately for Link, the game is a scam and he ends up 400 rupees in the hole. The thieves are about to take his eyes as payment when the game is broken up by the elf cops. They’ve had their eyes on the operation for a while, “what kind of store sells three random items? Do you think we’re assholes?”
9. Princess Zelda! – You’re Black?:
Neil is quite the reluctant hero, and gets testy that people keep calling him Link. Of course, if there’s one thing that can keep him on his quest, it’s the thought that there’s a beautiful princess to screw at the end of it (she’s about a seven, seven and a half…). After taking an epic beating from some Octorocks, Link gets a vision from Zelda, played by Angie Hill, and the first words out his mouth are about the colour of her skin. “Yeah,” she replies, “is that a problem?” “Look I’m totally sorry about the black thing, I used to totally watch Cosby, and Different Strokes, you have no idea what I’m… you ever seen Benson?” Stay classy, Neil.
8. Ganon – Fog Equals Power!:
It’s hard being an evil dictator and also trying be liked – but Ganon knows that the secret to appearing powerful is to turn the fog machines on. Played by Scott Chernoff, Link’s nemesis Ganon makes some questionable decisions, often pointed out by lackey Wizzrobe, played by Eric Acosta. Sure, he could have lured Link to a harder level when he was still weak. Sure he left a map of the level in the level, what if the bad guys got lost down there? He left one on every level! If there’s one thing Ganon can’t stand for though, it’s insolent logic, which Wizzrobe discovers often as he gets backhanded or choked (Ganon’s reach is amazing). “Have I made some mistakes?” Ganon reflects, “Maybe. Maybe… and now I’m going to have to have you killed for even asking that question.”
7. The Musical – There’s No Restart!:
The Legend of Zelda has always been a musical franchise with whistles and ocarinas, but this marks the first time there’s ever been a full-on sing-along! The captive fairy is encouraged to sing about the things that makes her happy (such as the dirty sanchez and finger cuffs), Neil sings his way through levels 2 and 3 while wishing he had a beer, and the two Old Men sing about how lucky it is that Link has not just one mentor but two! Wizzrobe then consoles Ganon that Link has already completed three levels while Zelda wistfully pines after her hero, and all of the different character’s songs come together in an epic conclusion – There’s No Restart!
6. The Three Day Training Course:
When Neil first arrives in Hyrule, he is woefully unprepared for the trials ahead of him. Old Man (It’s pronounced OLD MAN!), played by Mike Rose, encourages him to remember his training. “What training!?” “Oh shit, did we not train you? It’s a three day course.” Neil manages to stumble through for a while and gets sick of Old Man’s condescending advice, but realizes in season 3 that he’ll need his help in order to defeat Ganon. So begins the three day training course, an epic Rocky style montage of Neil learning to sashay his way around his enemies before he stabs them, and lots of running on the beach with a close up of his and Old Man’s junk. It ends with them frolicking in the ocean – I get teary-eyed thinking of it now.
5. Kill Link!:
After singing his heart out in the musical, Neil really needs to tie one on. Unfortunately the pub he wanders into happens to be occupied by moblins, but a quick disguise later and Neil reluctantly ingratiates himself into their company. Neil gets a bit unnerved when the moblins keep toasting “Kill Link!” and talking about ways that they’d torture him if they ever got their hands on him, but Schlam, Quiff, and Glorm quickly become his fast friends when Neil comes up with the idea that he’d cut out Link’s eyes, and his balls, and switch’em! They then engage in an epic party montage in which they play quarters (with rupees) and do lines of fairy dust (“I have more friends because I use drugs!”). Unfortunately it all falls apart when Neil’s disguise falls off while doing a keg stand. He appeals to the moblins, saying they’re the only friends he’s made since he arrived in Hyrule, and is devastated when he later is forced to take them down.
4. Continue or Quit?:
The cliffhanger at the end of season 2 brought Link back into the real world after admitting his cowardice to Zelda and being slain by Ganon, faced with the classic NES Zelda ‘Continue or Quit’ screen, thinking the entire quest was a dream – until he looks at his arm and sees his heart meter. He had always been the reluctant hero, and is now forced to think hard about his life. Does he really want to be the assistant-manager to his brother at the gas station in Trenton, New Jersey, boyfriend to an unfaithful and shallow woman? We all knew he’d go back, but this cliffhanger encapsulated everything that Parikh and Janning had built up to this point – the internal transformation from zero to hero.
3. The Fairy’s Sexual Healing:
Played by the always audacious Felicia Day of Geek & Sundry, this nymphomaniac fairy finds Neil on the verge of death, and uses her ‘special talents’ to heal him – after she coaxes an “I love you” from him, that is. After all, Elves keep saying they’ll stick around, and then they leave, and come back again six months later, wanting her to do it all over – well, she’s NOT GOING TO FALL FOR IT AGAIN! Never afraid to bear her ‘twins,’ or do ‘it’ in public (even while under attack), the fairy is a force to be reckoned with. In season 3 she had a litter of Neil’s kids, and then sacrificed herself to save Neil in his final battle with Ganon – but we’ll always remember that time she motorboated Neil’s toes.
2. Old (Oold?) Man’s Advice:
Probably the best character on the show, Old Man (and to a lesser extent his brother with tourettes, Old Man) act as Link’s mentors, providing him advice and shouting out classic NES Zelda old man lines such as “Easternmost peninsula is the secret!” and “Master using this and you can have it.” However, it’s Old Man’s condescending advice and insults that are the star:
- “Ooh, this creature’s throwing rocks at me, my boobies hurt, I’m a young lady – grow a dick, Link.”
- “Ah, the magical heart shaped cookie. Eat up, you deserve it, after committing murder.”
- “Link, I see you met the moblins! And what a surprise, you ran like a little twat. Perhaps you could queef, make yourself go faster, like a power boost.”
- “I used to be all potions and spells, and I never made time for a morning BJ. Do that for yourself, 20 minutes out of the day.”
Old Man may be a bit of a jerk, but he cares about Neil and the quest, crying after Link finishes the three day course. To me he represents the very spirit of this crazy and fun-loving series.
1. The Title Song:
The first time you saw this title sequence, you knew you were in for something special. The lyrics of the song spoke for the series itself: “The last thing that Neil remembered he was drunk playing a game of Zelda, when he whipped out his member and he masturbated to the fairy in the game because she was kind of hot, and that somehow transported him into the game!” It’s an amazing premise that spawned three wonderful seasons of a wacky Legend of Zelda project with clever humour and a loving attention to detail. Kudos to Sandeep Parikh and Tony Janning!
Agree with this list? Disagree? Something missing? Let us know in the comments!